my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
