I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
