I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
