My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
only if we run a train.
done.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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