I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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