i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
