i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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