This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
