My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
