So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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