Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
