So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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