I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
