Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
