I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
