You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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