it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Michael Bay diarrhea
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You left your phone here
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