If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
