Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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