at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
