DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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