OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
