Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
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