I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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