my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
