I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
