Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
then he tried to convert me to islam
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
