somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
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I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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