she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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