i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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