Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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