Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
