I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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