Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
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He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Green mimosas i think yes
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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