I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
