I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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