Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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