dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
