either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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