Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
