so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
