I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
where are my eyebrows?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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