On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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