My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
