this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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