I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
