my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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