I accidentally had phone sex last night
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
