Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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