He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
