sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
