i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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