I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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