my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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