i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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