We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
