peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
