I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
