phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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